Decepticons are very real my friends

Some believe, some dont believe; that is the very nature of humanity. Whether it be in aliens, Gods or ghosts the thing that separates us is the reasoning behind our belief's. However, make no mistake that your discretion is not required in what I am about to tell you... There are secrets roaming the earth, hidden in the deepest and darkest of places. Things so truly horrible that only few have ever passed through the eye of the needle to be able to see them on the other side. Secrets so terrifying and corrupt that the very ground we walk on would crumble under their revealation. Thankfully for you however, I am one of those people. I have survived the baptism under fire and today, I will dare to shake the earth; I refer to a conspiracy, a set of chess pieces that have been placed among us so cunningly, hidden in plain sight and in daily use under an unassuming impression of insignificance. One of these chess pieces my friends; is a straw. You may not think it, but straws are among the most dangerous of what I like to call, 'The decepticons'. Its purpose to you is known as an aid to drink. However it is no mere coincidence that it is believed the first ever straws were used by the Sumerians to drink beer (to avoid solid byproducts of fermentation); but rather the result of a well laid plan by Alcolor divised long before the employment of modern warfare tactics such as target consumerism or strategic marketing. By introducing the straw as a 'filter', Alcolor made the Sumerians as a result, drink more alcohol and subsequently, generations later, us too; Genius. Over time however it would appear that the straw has developed another use for the darkside; such as making you look like a mute Soprano Tenor belting out the cresendo of a beautiful melody as you hover around the rim of the glass with your mouth open searching for the straw while otherwise occupied in conversation. The true embarressment that spawns from this is the poor soul who refuses to simply look down to reconnect their mouth-to-eye co-ordination and as a result, when they raise the glass to their mouth, they completely overshoot the course of the straw and it goes right up their nose; pulling power for the night once again, reduced to zero. Please, stay with me, as difficult as this is for you to read you must know it is vital that we as people discover the truth about the decepticons... I will therefore continue; Ice cubes - what bastards these are. Their use to 'cool a drink' is yet another decieving ploy. You come to the end of a drink and find there is still a couple of ice cubes left in the bottom of the glass. With great caution you tilt the glass into your mouth, craving the final drops of the drink but at the same time hoping to catch just ONE ice cube to munch on. What ensues can be alikened to a scene in Braveheart; the William Wallace of the ice cubes telling the rest of them to 'HOLD'....'HOLLLLD'.........'HOLLLLLLLLLLLD'..... until all of the cubes avalanche towards your face crashing into your two front teeth. Wonderful. Occasionally I step back from all of this madness and ask myself; "how deep does the conspiracy go? At what point does a simple inanimate object cease to fulfil its genuine intention and seek to make a mockery of me?"; as a result I find myself being wary of every little utensil, every possible decoy. Knowing that I could no longer trust anything to fulfil its sole purpose, I discovered another decepticon; The Bar stool; "Ohhhh come have a seat Declan, I will take the strain off your legs and allow you to enjoy your alcohol more comfortably"... comfortable MY BOLLOCKS. I challenge anyone to find a bar stool that sits perfectly without wobbling, doesnt creak as if its about to explode under your weight and has a cushioning that doesnt make the backs of your legs sweat - how attractive. However I must note there are only some bar-stools that are in fact decepticons; In the hope that someone will crack an outrageously funny joke and you will lean back with the force of the laughter, the evil stool has cleverly omitted the back support. This is where the design of the stool is critical in inflicting maximum pain and optimum embarressment; as you are falling you instinctively reposition your hands to save yourself but because the stool is so high off the ground they cant find the floor and so, on your way down you resemble that poor kid you always see in a swimming pool who cant swim; thrashing around for dear life grasping for something to keep you afloat. In extremely hilarious situations, you find that something in the form of a passing elderly person and you pull them down with you. They are truly everywhere my friends - each item brimming with more evil than the last. I will continue to reveal Decepticons in my posts. But for now, fly my brothers and sisters, fly like the beautiful dazzling rainbow birds that you are...

Bottomline no 22; Be aware of your surroundings

Next post: Schizophrenia and Alcohol; The story of different types of drunks

Slan mo Chara

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