Drunk Sex

So you and your date have tumbled out of the taxi following a successful night in a lovely restaurant. You're all over eachother like a nappy rash as you barge through the garden gate, waking up all of the neighbours as the pair of you are now at the stage in the date where you're giddy as hell and loud and random wailing is the funniest thing in the world. You're swinging out of eachother as if on some kind of wild mushroom trip while stopping at every possible opportunity to slam oneanother up against the wall for another sloppy kiss that ends up all over your nose. What is it about the alcohol that suddenly turns us into ravenous love-making widebeests? Is there an underlying edge to alcohol that is meant to contribute to re-population? Lets see, Vatican city has the smallest population density in the world and we all know the only thing the Italians drink are shots of espresso to keep them from falling asleep after listening to eachother talk about food for so long. So is this down to the fact that they arent a drinking culture? I doubt it but hey, its worth thinking about. What is the trigger that suddenly turns us into roger-requiring rampant rabbits? (un-intentional analogy). Does the primative urge to pro-create bubble deep within our souls and is alcohol the tectonic shift that awakens it into an explosive volcano, erupting violently into a blasting fountain of hot sizzling .......lava? (un-intentional metaphor, I promise) I honestly dont know; all I know is that when we're drunk, we transform into little randy energiser bunnies. Take the young couple I saw having sex in the middle of the nightclub last year - do you think for a second that if they were sober, they would have gone at it like two little chiwawa's in heat? Probably not, but the alcohol made them completely forget that they were in the middle of a nightclub, surrounded by people chanting as if they were part of an underground swingers party. If you compare it to when you are sober... Everything is generally so unspoken and 'nice'. Awwwh, isnt that just lovely? NO! ITS NOT 'LOVELY' ITS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS! DONT YOU WANT TO HAVE THAT RAW CONFIDENCE WHEN YOU'RE SOBER TOO!? Dont get me wrong im sure there are people out there who are complete maniacs between the sheets, with or without alcohol. (AHEM..*COUGH*..ME.*COUGH*) But is it just a case that the alcohol releases us from our insecurities and purges any self esteem issues from our paranoid minds? Lets face it, most people have a complex about something whether its internal or external, but dutch courage changes us dramatically. What is it that makes us fearless when we are drunk? I know it makes me fearless; my mother found me out in the back-yard battling spiders with a bread knife when I was 18; im pretty sure she didnt accept my cover story when I told her I was possessed by the devil and just put it down to ill-seasoned drinking. The term 'Dutch courage' has many different origin stories but the one I like the most is that many years ago the Dutch navy were so fearless in battle that their enemies (Especially the English navy) believed that the only way they could be so courageous was by being drunk. But what actually happens in the brain once we drink? Well the alcohol in our blood is pumped to our brain, this inadvertantly begins to affect our cognition (thought process) which is the general term for areas in the brain where our reasoning, intelligence, perception and learning flows from. You begin to feel at ease, more relaxed but whats actually happening is the foreign substance (alcohol) that has mixed with your blood, is actually slowing your cognition and so, the more you drink the more affected your brain becomes. FASCINATING STUFF DECO but how does that relate to why we think we are pornstars when we're drunk? Well, I dont know - you can take my half arsed scientific explanation any way you want, but bare in mind that by now you and your date have smashed every vase in the house including the ern to your dead grandmothers ashes and have fallen on the stairs more then once trying to fumble over oneanother to get to the bedroom. You battle your way across the landing and eventually, you reach the bedroom door and as the momentum is with you, you swing your date around like a limp rag doll and smash her face into the light switch completely knocking her out; the light flicks on just in time to see her skirt fold up and over her own face revealing that she was in fact, a man all along.

Bottomline no 10; Usually when you're 'caught up in the moment' something gets broken. Wouldnt you rather it was 'nice' and unspoken....? I know I wouldnt so WILL SOMEONE GET ME A GOD FORSAKEN DRINK AND A REPLACEMENT TRANNY STAT!

Lets go abroad for my next post: Holiday drinking


Slan mo Chara,

Deco