Keeping fit and alcohol

Ok, so its January; you've laid out all of your new years resolutions which include; No more chocolate, no more coffee and a new energy that commands getting fit. Like any other completely delusional moron that falls under this category (usually the entire country), you're all excited about how your going to have a 6 pack in 3 months, soley because you wandered down to the local gym and actually made the commitment of joining for a year; not fathoming for second, the level of work this requires both inside and outside the gym. So, you arrive on your first day all kitted out in brand new 'training gear' that you bought in Penneys for the price of a packet of chewing gum but you suddenly realise you havent got a fricking clue how to use any of the machines. Take the treadmill for instance, I jump on and pretend to stretch my legs for about 7 minutes while I scan the controls looking for the auto-start button. Or when you sit into a Hammerstrength machine and you begin doing the exercise as you believe it to be correct, but once you get up and walk away, you notice someone else addresses the machine facing the other direction. You think to yourself for a second; 'perhaps they're doing it wrong', but the laser cut rock hard abs that are literally bursting out of the persons vest, compared to your belly that looks like its been carrying a 26 month overdue baby elephant, confirms in your head that perhaps you were the one who looked like a complete and utter simpleton a moment ago. So, to avoid repeating this embarressing mistake, you rob a bank in order to afford to pay a personal trainer and you get them to show you the ropes. Soon you begin to get addicted to the whole fitness buzz; you go to the gym more and more and yet still you dont see the results you want. This is when you discover a thing called calories and the fact that they are more evil than Saddam Hussein playing GTA Vice City (Can you imagine the blood?). So, you begin to cut your diet; white bread, butter and of course your still sticking to your 'no chocolate' resoluton (yeah right - you were caught in the work stock room crouched in the corner gollum-ing one of those gigantic Toblerones werent you, WERENT YOU!)(Gollum-ing - A Deco'ism- This is to describe someone who hasnt washed in days, scavanging on the remains of other peoples food). But the one thing we dont seem to cut out of our diet is alcohol. I kid you not, there is enough calories in one pint of beer to give you ongoing-embolisms... And to think, I gave up my Cadburys Caramels and my fizzy drinks for nothing, NOTHING! Here I am looking at myself in the mirror blinded by the Star Trek monster I see staring back at me and its all because I went out on the weekend and drank 20 pints of Miller?! NO WAY!? REALLY!? But it could be down to the quality of the hungover workouts that I do on a Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday; I may aswell sit at home in the bath tub and do 3 press-ups in the water because I feel so God damn mouldy after that 20-pint weekend, that all I want to do is leave the weights room and go for a steam. The reason for this is that once im sweating away behind the sheeted, condensation filled glass; I can feel the vodka and the Miller seeping out of every orifice in my body. Then I squeeze the dripping rims of my shorts into my 'trainig flask' and voila, 'a curer'. Could I just want to see some proper results out the €750 per year that I pay in the gym? Is that one of the reasons im droughting my alcohol consumption? Nah, I spoke to Hercules this morning and he was telling me about how insecure he was since his wife left him; then he caught a glimpse of my body while I was changing and he began to cry, so that can't be it. Especially since his wife was hiding in my bedroom. What I do know is that keeping fit and alcohol dont go well together. Last Christmas I was actually able to balance an entire Christmas Turkey on my belly with enough room for my entire family to sit around me and eat it comfortably; my God that was embarressing - it was like that time in primary school when my best friend lost his pencil in my hair. Seriously, I looked like a Jackson Five member meets Annie meets spongebob square-pants - no wonder I was virgin until I shaved it off. Honestly, the little guy wouldnt dare go in there after his yellow
2B pencil; I dont blame him either, that would have been like putting his hand into a blender; a red heads hair is lethal. Think of a brillopad mixed with barbed wire and just imagine it on someones head. Anyway, so Declan, SINCE YOUR SO FRICKIN WISE, how much CAN we drink that will still allow us to strive for that six pack? - I hear you ask... I dont know, go buy a balaclava, rob a bank and ask someone who gives a crap; if you need me, ill be in the steam room.

Bottomline no8; If you want to get a worthwhile workout done in a week, try not to drink too much on the weekend..... and make sure you cut your childhood hair before your 22.

Next Post: Alcohol and a first date

Slan mo Chara,

Deco